If This is What it's like to Grow up...

... I'd rather stay a child forever.

Because if being an adult means
that I cannot make mistakes
that I have to always watch my back
that I have to lose part of myself to be a part of something else
that I'm supposed to have things figured out
that pain is just something I've gotta learn to live with
that guilt can and will compel me to do strange things
that I will have to bend over backwards to please other people
that waking up to face the world everyday is a chore
that I am going to be obliged to meet expectations
that fear cripples and destroys while you put on a brave face in front of the world
that people will talk, and judge, and say things about me that aren't true
that my needs and wants and hopes and dreams
are as irrelevant as the rat that scurries past the sewers

My heart hurts, my head's in a blur,
and this is all a mess.

I would run,
but where can one go to escape oneself?

Hold me, hold me close,
for I fear (or does that exist) that I am slipping away

Hello from the Other Side...

... at least I can say that I tried.

Well, hello, 2016.
Is it just me, or is the whole "new year new you" thing absolutely overrated?

Eh, either way, however "new" you want to recreate yourself to be,
the truth is, life goes on for other people,
and time doesn't stop to admire how "new" you've become.

I really don't feel like talking about the aspirations I have for the new year.
(Because really, in a matter of 3 months, it won't be new anymore hahaha)

No, what I do want to talk (or perhaps rant) about, is how people keep asking "what's next?"
"So, you graduated secondary school, eh? What's your next plan?"
"Congrats on graduating uni! Have you sent out job applications yet?"
"Oh, you've got a boyfriend now! When are you planning to tie the knot?"
"Wooh you're finally married! Kids soon? (wink)"
"Wow, you finally quit that job! What're you gonna do now?"

DUDE, I JUST WENT THROUGH A HUGE EVENT IN MY LIFE!
Can I not just like, take a chill pill, and look back and enjoy my achievements,
without you pestering me about what I need to do next?

I don't mean to dispute the fact that planning ahead is wise behaviour,
for the old saying goes, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail", right?
But if planning ahead causes you to lose sight of the present,
then I'd strongly suggest a reality check.

Life happens in seasons.
Heck, seasons happen in seasons.
Winter comes after autumn, spring before summer,
and while it's perfectly fine to have summer plans when it's snowing outside,
there is absolutely nothing wrong with skating on frozen lakes,
and making snow angels on the ground.
(meanwhile all of this is imaginary because we had an insanely warm winter worldwide, but anyway)

My point is, every season has its lessons,
and unless we take the time to live in the season that we are in,
and learn the lessons that it brings,
any amount of planning for the next season will fall short.
We were put in this phase of our lives for a reason,
and we all have things that we need to learn, revelations to realise, epiphanies to happen,
before we can truly move on.

Unless you discover what interests you in high school,
you won't be able to decide with full confidence what you wanna do next.
Unless you learn how to be in a relationship,
you're not gonna want to even consider marriage.
Unless you first and foremost learn how to be a married couple,
you so won't be able to do the parenting thing well.

So yes. Since we're in the new year and learning new things and new resolutions and stuff,
perhaps let's do each other a favour,
and maybe not bug each other so much about "what's next";
but instead, journey with each other through the present.
Yeah sure, plan ahead wisely,
but let's not forget to live, love, and learn lessons in the now, today.

Because sooner than you have finished reading this sentence,
this second would have become last second.

Live now,
Eilvane <3

The Ending to Every Chapter...

... is always the beginning of another.

I've done it, I've finally quit my job.
And this time, I didn't quit it for another job, I just quit.

So technically speaking, I'm supposedly unemployed at the moment.
But that does not even begin to describe my situation in entirety.

The truth is, I am more than just my job.
Producer, Singer, Writer, Entrepreneur, Trainer,
I am all of these things at once!

And maybe I'd like to spend more time being these things.
Maybe I'm sick of being paid to handcuff myself to a desk.

Maybe, just maybe,

It's time to be
Eilvane <3

A Whirlwind of a Weekend...

...And a tornado of two weeks.

Perhaps it was the surrealism of getting a spot to perform in Jazz Fest.
Perhaps it was the quick crash of emotions when I realised all my possible accompanists were unavailable.
No kidding. I had 4 options, and all 4 of them couldn't make it for one reason or another.

Or perhaps it was the anxiety of finding someone new.
Whether or not I could find one who was available, whether or not we could work together,
Whether or not we had enough time to practice,
Whether or not our collaboration would produce something competent enough for that big a crowd.
I kid you not, I was under constant anxiety.
So much so, that I even cried once, in a hopeless state of dilemma.
"How did a sweet dream turn into a nightmare all so soon??"
I found myself praying, crossing fingers, begging that it will all be okay,
pleading to Him above that the right person will come my way.
"I mean God, You made this happen, You will see it through, won't You?"

My prayers were answered when I met Simon.
(Yes, I am fully aware that sounds like a marriage vow, but it isn't.)
The relief that washed over me when he agreed to work with me for this, man.
It was the first night I slept without nightmares.

AND THEN HE FELL SICK.
Goodness. Anxiety all over again, for fear of not having enough time to practise together.
So. With 4 days on the countdown, we FINALLY met up for our first practice session.
And after a few days juggling between making time for practice and work and bringing Yvonne around,
(ohyes she was back! But she's back in the UK now boohoo.)
It was time.

Our 20 minutes onstage felt like forever,
Yet was over in the blink of an eye.
With each note, the nerves and anxiety slowly melted away,
Dissolved in the music we were making together.
I loved what we did.
Yes, it was amateurish; Yes, I (we) have room to improve,
But the experience was nonetheless priceless.

I loved every moment. Of having beer after beer,
(Hi, my name is Eilvane and I'm *hiccup* 2 seconds sober) 
And laughing about everything,
Of meeting people, old and new,
Of being completely torn into pieces by the talents of other artistes,
Of being inspired to put those pieces together in a better way,
Of being completely engrossed in the joy of music,
And of meeting someone I look up to immensely.

The legendary Mia Palencia.
(Thanks for the picture, Robert!)
Oh the amount of respect I have for her.
Her sheer talent, her magnetic voice,
Her effortless composure onstage, her approachability offstage,
Just her. All in all. Captivating.
I was speechlessly starstruck for awhile there.
Ah, KK Jazz Fest 2013. What an experience!

Not forgetting an awesome party at the Retro Club afterwards.
Prathaz, you guys are so much fun!
I might haunt you people every Saturday night after this.
Consider me your groupie. hahahahahah!

Sunday was not any less crazy,
With Church, a gig at Langkah Syabas, and Sunset Bar back to back,
And glasses of wine, champagne and Mojitos in between.
(Hi, my name is *hiccup* Eilvane, and I am so-*hiccup*-ber)
T'was heaps of fun, despite the fact that I only had 2 hours of sleep the night (dawn) before.

So how, how not to feel withdrawal symptoms?
This is a weekend I won't be able to forget in a while, I assure you.
Sure, great experiences like this don't really get recreated, sadly true. (truly sad?)
But there will be other greater experiences waiting to be created and lived.

So until then, I'll be...

Caught up in all that jazz,
Eilvane <3

But when you've had too much of the best...

... the best just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

And that's how it kinda feels to be on a stringent diet.

I think I'm beginning to get withdrawal symptoms.

Or maybe I'm just looking at food blogs at the wrong hour of the day.

But the thing is, recently I've been reserving my indulgent days for luxurious foods.

And when I say luxurious, I mean buffets at hotels and resorts and whatnots.

I mean, indulgent days happen only once a week,
and for the past month, all my indulgent days I have concerned myself with feeding myself the best of sinful foods.

Take Mother's Day for example.

Of course, I am no mother,

but celebrations cannot possibly only involve the mother herself, no?

We went for a buffet breakfast at Promenade Hotel.
O to the M to the G.

Pancakes, toasted croissants, roti canai with curry, miniature steaks,

basically everything hearty and fattening and breakfasty imaginable.

Then of course, there was last Sunday,
when I was invited to sing at the Sunset Bar (omgomg inward scream!) with Asif, Rene & friends.

Boy, did I have a great time!

I mean, who wouldn't, if you were gonna sing while the sunset just looks this gorgeous?

And of course, being part of the band and all,

we were given the privilege of enjoying their buffet dinner for free!

(seriously. this singing business could be the end of my fitness efforts... =S)

So there you go. More indulging!

But the point is, I now kinda just wanna eat something normal.

Something like ramen noodles or something.

Something cheap and supposedly in the category of "everyday food".

Perhaps this week we can do that. 

Anywho, I am closer to my fitness goal than I have ever been before,

so it really isn't the time to lose sight of what I need to achieve.

They were right when they said the easiest time to give up is when you are closest to your goal though.

They were damn right.

It's so easy to be contented with half-assed results. 

BUT I AM PUSHING ON.

Shall we push on together?

Oh, and more singing news! 

This Sunday (26 May)  I'll be doing a gig at Langkah Syabas Beach Resort for their Sunday Lunch!

I heard they serve a good English roast!

Ha, more indulgence!

But life really is good.

I'm thanking God for all the opportunities I'm being presented with, 

and the people that I've been meeting.

So cool how things just begin to fit in, eh?

Tuning out,

Eilvane <3

Opportunities...

... present themselves to people who are ready to take them.

And boy, am I happy I happened to be ready.
This past weekend couldn't have been anymore fruitful.
Other than my usual Friday and Saturday gigs,
I was offered the opportunity to replace the lovely Annabel for her gig on Gaya Island Resort.

My, oh my.

Not only did I get to work with another great musician,
(positively my newest keyboard guy crush)
I also got to enjoy simply being at such an amazing place.
The resort boasts an amazing architectural concept: indoors-outdoors.
Basically, half the time you're not even sure if you're indoors or outdoors.
It was lovely, singing to people, overlooking the sea.

I was crazy nervous to begin with, though.
Perhaps the OCD control freak in me didn't feel quite settled with the fact that I have never had a single practice or run-through with this particular keyboardist.
You had no idea how badly I thought I would screw it up.

One set later though, and I finally could shut the inner control freak up, and learned how to relax.
Ed is amazing.
He makes it easy to follow him,
yet has his way of making black and white notes sound like a musical kaleidoscope.
I am deeply honoured to have worked with him.
I hope the honourable feeling is mutual, yikes.

Follow me on Instagram: @eilvane

T'was a great weekend, great enough to chase the Monday blues away.
And well. Though it's yet another dreary weekday,
no reason to stop having a song in your heart, eh?

Singing inwardly,
Eilvane <3

Half a Month into the New Year

So yes, the world didn't end, and we're all living life like we should, hurrah!

And with new year comes exciting new things!

As you might have noticed on the sidebar,
(and if you didn't, I have now intentionally brought it to your attention)
I'm no longer singing at Bali-Bali Gardens.
Why, you ask?
Let's just say, it wasn't meant to be.
It was fun while it lasted though.
I sang for people getting engaged,
I sang for someone's birthday,
The small crowd meant that I could go around meeting  and talking with people in between sets...
Mmm. These are all reasons to smile. :)

And now, a new chapter unfolds,
with perhaps even more of a reason to smile!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Eilvane is now gigging at..... *drumroll*

Party Play, Lintas!
(*baduum tssss*)

Okay so maybe not everyone understands why I am excited about this.
It's really just another cafe right?
I mean, yeah true, it is just another cafe.
But it was at this cafe that a year ago, I made a little wish:
To sing well enough that people pay me to do it.
And a year later, look! It is at this same place that I am now singing professionally!
I've had many a good conversation as a customer in this very same place too,
so like, it has sentimental value.
There will be people who say that the place serves overpriced mediocre food,
but oh well, I only sing there, and the food has nothing to do with me,
so I won't let these people rain on my parade! Haha!

Anyways, do drop by and check us out,
I'd be more than honoured to dedicate you a song.
See you, maybe? ;)

In the tune of love,
Eilvane

Blessed Beyond Belief

That this day has finally come.

Yes, I am finally being paid to sing.
WEEHEEE!

Someone used to say that "if you're good at something, don't ever do it for free".
I hardly consider myself good enough to be called good,
but I guess I'm okay?

At any rate, I am blessed beyond measure that someone likes my singing enough to pay me to do it.
On a weekly basis too!
Here's hoping this will be a platform to other gigs in the future.

So say hello to the Sunday singer of Bali-Bali Gardens.
I'm with a guitarist and a cajonist, both who are SO FLY.
We will be there every Sunday, from 7.30pm till about 10pm,
just serenading you diners and your Balinese food.
We hear that they are revamping their menu soon to add more yummy things.
More reason to come? I think so!

And, of course, if you happen to wanna grab the mic for a number or two,
be my guest.
I'd also be more than happy to sing a birthday song to anyone who's celebrating their birthday there.

Just, do come, have dinner, have dessert, have a drink, anything you want.
But do come. and maybe clap. hahah

<3

Officially Missing You (ft. Frances & Erica!)

Cuz this is the kinda thing that homies do when homies are home. :)

Check Frances out! She's extremely talented, and she's in music school too, so she's definitely gonna make it big one day. So honoured to be even doing a cover with her in my bedroom. She's awesomesauce, this girl.

And if you've been watching my videos, you'll probly already know Erica. But if you don't it's okay. She's part of Monochrome, which is a 3-piece made up of me, her and Oscar. Here's hoping you'll see more of her, and us together as time goes by! <3

Till then, enjoy the song, and like and subscribe on Youtube if you wanna. :)

Versatility? Uniqueness?

Age-old debate?
Or perhaps, an age-old discrepancy I myself have been dealing with.
Do I aim to be versatile, or do I just focus on a certain genre of music?

Many a time I've been asked, "so what songs dyu do exactly? Like, what kinda songs dyu perform?"

And I'd be like... "uh, anything?"
Cuz my repertoire (a limited one too) consists of songs that range from Complicated by Avril, to Don't Know Why by Norah Jones. Or some older school stuff, like Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis. Oh dear me.

And then there's my playlist.
Which, at the moment, Stevie Wonder is taking anchor.
Or Abba.
Goodness gracious.

See that's perhaps one of those things about being a performer I need to learn.
Do I suit the audience, or do I get so good that my audience gravitates to me?

Maybe it's a balance of both.

Ah, but what am I rambling on and on about.
We shall wait for a time when I actually get to perform in front of an audience.

Cuz maybe experience is the best teacher.
So then, maybe we'll all find that balance, somehow.